he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
