I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
