I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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