at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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