The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
