So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
