i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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