Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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