I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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