I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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