By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
