i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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