I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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