I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
