i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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