direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
