you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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