Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
