Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
