Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
