let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
