i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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