You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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