yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
