hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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