I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
