someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please, let me fuck your mom
My hand turned me down
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
