Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
