It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
