batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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