how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
