I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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