Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
