I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
