im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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