I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
