Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
