The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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