Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
