Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
