I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
