You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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