Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
