Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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