Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
