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I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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