look no pants
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
