I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
