I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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