I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
