cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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