my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
