i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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