Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
