I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
