he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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