I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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